It’s possible to tell the most difficult truths to the people you care about, such that they don't end up getting bitter and also they being able to get the message you really intend to pass across.
If you can follow the tip below, you will end up not banging the door on your relationships if they really need to close. Rather, it will help you in closing the door gently with your hand on the door knob!
A continued effort to study this article and apply the guidelines will help you to fulfil the purpose of letting the other party know the truth without necessarily hurting them and causing trouble. No doubt, they might eventually get hurt if possibly you ask to end the relationship but your GOAL won't be to hurt them or cause them emotional pain.
The truth is that some of us, while passing across our feelings to the other party, we end up using words with the intention of causing them pain alongside our message. Afterall, you could figure out that if they caused you to be hurt, then they also deserve to be hurt. However, that is not meant to be so.
One very important guideline I came across while reading an article is...
When You Speak The Unarguable, People Don’t Argue
If I say to you, “My stomach feels hurt,” you’d have a difficult time arguing with me. If I say to you, “You make me sick to my stomach,” you’d probably find plenty to argue with me about in that sentence. The difference is INTENTION.
If I say, “My stomach feels hurt,” my intention is to reveal my inner experience.
If I say, “You make me sick to my stomach,” my intention is to blame you for my experience.
In speaking difficult truths so that people are not bitter with you, the tip is to reveal your inner experience and stay out of blame.
Breakthroughs in relationship communication are always brought about by saying unarguable things and never by blaming.
It’s possible to communicate the most difficult truths in this new way, so that people are literally filled with gratitude afterwards and possibly a resolve to change for the better.
Take a look into this example...
Let’s say you want to break up with your partner. Your main complaints are that he never helps to pay any bill, he has a perfect record of forgetting your birthday and he is unwilling to make a long-term commitment to the relationship...
APPROACH A: You say to him: I’m leaving you because you’re stingy, disrespectful and commitment-phobic.
Would he be likely to thank you for sharing this “truth” with him? Probably not. He’d probably argue with all three of your labels for him. You’ve provided him with a perfect way to avoid learning anything from your communication, because you’ve communicated it in arguable terms.
APPROACH B : You say to him: For a long time I’ve been feeling sad and disappointed. I can feel it right now in my chest, and I can hear it in my voice. I don’t think I’m getting what I want in our relationship. I feel angry a lot at you, and although I feel scared about being by myself, I think I’d rather face that fear than continue to feel what I’ve been experiencing the past year.
There’s no guarantee he’ll thank you for speaking those truths, but there's a solid guarantee that he won’t argue with you.
Hundreds of people that have been coached to speak like that in sessions, have confirmed that it stops arguments cold.
However, there have also been many situations in which people felt upset at hearing unarguable truths. However, they registered the impact of the communication and learned from it. Later, when they’ve digested it thoroughly, they often thank and appreciate the speaker for being courageous enough to speak the truth in a way that didn’t produce arguments.
So over to you HOR reader, try to imbibe the above tip and you're on way to be a healthy communicator. It will also help in your everyday communication with not only the person you're dating but also your platonic friends, close friends, parents, siblings, co~workers, e.t.c.
Remember to share if this article blessed you.
Yours in Love,
Bukola Adeolu- Dele
Ref: Gaiam.com
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